Thurs. 11-14-02

We're on our way to eat & Brett's goin' to the bathroom. The other day at Bread & Roses I had my viola & this man tried to tune it for me, but didn't have much luck 'cause the tunin' knobs are real tough to turn. So today I'm bringin' it again 'cause he's got some lubricant for them. But I hope he doesn't want to tune it again, 'cause I didn't like it last time, so I've taken it upon myself to purposely screw up the tuning. Just how I like it. But I know he won't ******' understand that. Anyway- it's gonna' be another perfectly warm, sunny day here in Cali. I wonder if- well, I probably will- get sick of the wonderful weather.

Everyone's settin' up their **** on the boardwalk at Venice Beach. Gettin' ready for another day of louring tourists. & all the pigeons are anxiously waiting for their meal of scraps. & I'm waiting for Brett to use the bathroom again. I have no idea what we're gonna' do today. Then again, I guess I never know. Oh yeah- we've gotta' go grocery shoppin'.

Layin' on the beach now. Brett's playin' my viola. It's weird lookin' here. It's completely clear- no clouds- but it's foggy or somethin'. Can barley see the mountains- & for some reason the waves sound a little muted. The water looks exactly like sparkling glass or crystal, moving until it breaks & looks soft. It seems so quiet here & the waves that throw themselves over the rocks, look like they do it in slow motion. I could easily fall asleep right now. Some birds just flew over me & all I heard were their wings.

I wanna' live as a writer. I mean, that's all I want to do, besides painting & writing music as well. But I mean, I just wish I could live off writing. & maybe that sounds like selling out. I dunno'. But I don't see it as that. All I want is to be able to do what I love & to be able to live w/out having to do something else as well, that I don't ******* enjoy. & I wanna' keep moving. I wanna' go to the east coast next. & soon. I want to be able to afford a trip out of this country by writing too. & I can't wait until I'm at a point where I can finally get a Rottweiler (Inka!) - I mean, that's not incredibly important or anything, but it's something I look forward to. & I think I've finally decided that I don't want any children of my own. I need to adopt. I need to adopt because not enough people do, & there's so many kids w/out someone to be their company, friend & to have a place where they can grow healthily & learn about God, who loves them. I'd much rather raise a kid who needs, instead of bringing yet another one into this ****** world just like everyone else, & not even thinking about all the individuals who were givin' up because they were born into some third world country & their single mothers are too poor to raise them, or they were raped & will be stoned to death if they don't get a (usually) fatal abortion, or give them up. Not that I'd want to raise a ******' poopy kid right now, but maybe in like 5 years, I can look into adopting from another country. Or maybe a Chinese girl- considering they'd rather just to keep the boys. I'm gonna' lay down for a while.

Some guy comes over & starts talkin' to Brett as I lay down. I knew he was no good, so I don't say a word. I want nothin' to do w/him. I just lay there & listen to him & Brett talk. Suddenly he asks Brett if he's ever had his **** sucked by a man. Then I know for a fact he's just a stupid demon & Brett says "No, & I'm not interested." The guys like, "Well, it could be fun." & Brett's like, "Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it for some people...blah, blah, blah..." So the man's quiet for a minute & I start prayin' over & over & over again, "Lord take this man away from us... I know he's the devil, take him away. Lord I pray he gets up & leaves." Then he says, "Well, if you ever wanted, I'd like to suck yr ****." Brett tells him, "Well, you can hit the road jack, right now... but it ain't for me to say." Then the guy was like, "Alright." & he left sayin', " "Blah, blah, blah, if you ever want to, blah, blah, blah." Stupid. But it's happened to Brett before & he handled it w/a calmness I sure the **** wouldn't have had.

I want people to know that if they're not living for God, their lives are pointless. I want **** to realize that God does exist & that she's blind to *****'* complete ******* evilness. & I'm pissed that I want a kid because it's in my ******* blood, deep in my woman-being. My instinct to want that. But I fight it & I don't want pregnancy. Ever. But of COURSE a part of me does. It sucks. & I wish I could deal w/the evil in people w/out using hate.

Brett just got done talkin' to a guy that reminded me of the guy at the beach. Once again- I didn't say a word, or turn around to look at him. I acted like I was into what I was reading. So they talk & he starts sounding so negative about everything & tries to discourage us. I knew this guy too, was bad news. So I pray for God to send him away & he leaves. The devil is obviously sending these people to give us a hard time. It's ******* annoying. I've gotta' pray tonight that God keeps evil far from us. (We were at the Marina Library, then the park-it's REAL foggy).

Wed. 11-13-02

Alright, well last night I could NOT got to sleep. It was about midnight I think, when I finally did. I was pissed- well not really-but upset that Brett fell asleep so easily & I couldn't. I think that maybe he riled me all up after spewing about 40-45 minutes worth of words, all about the rotten human race, liberal scum & the unfortunate habit of reproduction. Then I started tickling his legs & stomach & he suddenly shut up. He tickled me back & then crashed. & I was up stirring in my sleeping bag wanting, contemplating just gettin' up & plugging the light in & writing. I didn't even know what the **** it was I wanted to write. But anyway, it's morning & we're in the St. Joseph's waitin' to sign up for our meal for tomorrow. Yesterday was fun. We took a couple buses to the Getty Center. We took the tram up the mountain & could see everything. We looked at art from around the time Jesus was on earth. The art was absolutely ******* beautiful. All of it. We were there for about 5, 5 1/2 hours & we didn't even see everything. We took a used coffee cup & filled up for free as many times as we wanted. About 4 or something. On two sides of the Getty- outside, you can stand & see the entire city of Los Angeles & the ocean & mountains & Santa Barbara Island & the Catalina Islands & the huge smog cloud over the downtown LA area. Gross! But looking to the right was clear. We got to watch the sun set from up there. One of the most gorgeous things I've ever seen. For a bit we stepped into an empty theater & Brett messed around w/the lights & tried to start a movie, but it didn't work. So we sat down & jammed for a while. It was fun, it all kinda' echoed. I'm lookin' forward to goin' there again soon. We definitely have to bring my mom there. & there's a beautiful garden maze & pond outside. I'd say the building & it's surroundings look more spectacular than the Louvre. Almost time to eat so I'll stop writing.

We're done eating & I'm WAY too stuffed & I have to **** incredibly bad, but Brett wanted to go to the kennel place & try & see if he could get a job! Oh man, I've gotta' POOP! Ahhhh! Hurry up Brett! I gotta' go! I gotta' go! & I have to talk to Sue today. She called Keith almost a week ago sayin' that she screwed somethin' up & that I owe her 30 more bucks or somethin' like that. Whatever. I hope it ain't any bull****. Brett'd be lucky if he got this job, 'cause he'd get to be around dogs all the time & he'd get to walk 'em. OK, my bowels have calmed a little. Maybe Brett'll get the job & he'll fall in love w/some girl who works there & they can walk the dogs together. Wouldn't that be sweet. Then he can off work & come back to his hairy, short-haired ***** girlfriend after a full day's worth of mad flirtin' & tell me he loves his job. Oh- what a wonderful imagination I have! ANY day now Brettina. Some of these homeless folk have the craziest bike setups & for some reason I've seen about 5 or 6 people now walk by carrying rolled up different colored mat things. Maybe they all just finished their morning yoga classes. There goes another one. Hers was yellow & blue on the inside. Here come 2 more. This is kinda' crazy. A blue one, a red one. Yeah- definitely yoga. They all have the pants on. Damn Brett, you're takin' for ever. You're lucky my **** ain't buggin' me right now. --A black one. Maybe the "Santa Monica Kennels" is really just an underground brothel & Brett's already happily discovered this, (OK, I think I can skip this silly stuff)-

La, la, la, I'm bored. I'd like to go to the library today sometime. Sometime after I ****! Some yoga girl just threw some food in the garbage & I'd dig for it if I wasn't so ******* full. Oh cute, a man & woman YOGA couple just walked by & he was holding BOTH of their orange mats. Maybe I should sign up for yoga. Yeah, pay $100 a class, instead of stretching in my own spare time. There's Brett. He just smiled & gave me thumbs up!!!!!!

Alright, we freaked out today 'cause Brett got A JOB! He starts on Saturday at 7 in the morning. & he can bike along the ******' ocean on the the way to work. I can't BELIEVE he got a job today! So happy! I'm real tired right now though. It's 9:00 & I'm writin' while Brett is cookin'. I'm not even hungry. I'd rather sleep right now, but anyway, we went to the library & I wrote ****. She had written me w/the subject as "hello Jesus!" Then she was like, "Damn dude, I didn't know you were a preacher. But I love you anyway." or something like that. I wrote her back like, "I knew you wouldn't want to hear any of that, but I thought I'd try anyway." & then I just wrote about a buncha' stuff. She didn't write anything about ***** of course because she knows she ****** up & she won't mention him, 'cause she wouldn't have anything to write but that. So anyway, out of nowhere, in my writing I write, "Alright, how are things w/you & Satan? U know, Mr. Upside-down cross tattooed on his chest. I hope well in yr case. I just hope you're ******' strong ****. & I don't care if you don't wanna' read this, but you need to stay away from him, it's ******' unhealthy. OK, that's all (or something like that). Kick my *** next time you see me, or just give me a big hug."

Uh- then Brett & I went to get a snack at the grocery store & some lady gave us passes to see a free movie at the theatre. Just a showing of it before they decide if they should put it out or not, or somethin'. So we decide to go. We wait in line & then we wait inside, already in our seats & Brett starts freakin' out about not wanting to get brain-washed. I tell him, it's OK. We're just gonna' watch a stupid cheesy horror movie. But we decide to leave & go to Barnes & Noble. I was HAPPY. So we chilled there for a long while & now we're back. The food's done but I just wanna' brush my nasty, plaque-ridden teeth & go to sleep.

Mon. 11-11-02

The heater works wonders. No more dripping on us at night from the hatch above where we sleep. No more puddles under the mattress that we tried to fight w/the heat bar. No more wet walls. Anyway, today was a nice chill day. Worked on the boat a little this mornin', then left. We chilled in Venice again & finally I heard the guy on roller skates who plays guitar w/a little amp strapped to him. I called my mom today & talked to her for a while while I shared coffee w/Brett. **** got my email & told my mom, "Cristy emailed me & it was all about God (which it wasn't. Just some)- & she knows I don't believe. It was kind of annoying." -Okay. Whatever ****. I knew she'd feel that way anyway.

The rest of this entry is drama I don't care to share about a friend who was going through a hard time. I discuss w/ myself how I should just cut off all contact with her & pray for her. & that's what I decided to do.

Sun. 11-10-02

Yesterday was a walkin' day. It was still rainy out too. We walked to both post offices (we should be gettin' one on Tuesday!) to some grocery stores, to some boat stores, & Brett got us into a bottom floor room of the Marriot. So we chilled in there for a while, Brett watched cartoons & I looked at a book. We could have a buncha' stuff we need, if we were to take it all from there: coffee maker, pillows, towels, blankets, shampoo, conditioner, iron, whatever else. But I don't think we will. Oh- & we also chilled at the Barnes & Noble for a while. Today we had some errands to run. We had to go to West Marine & Home Depot. We got a heater/fan thing for the incredibly annoying moisture problem we have, & we bought wood & stuff to redo the curtains. They won't stay w/Velcro anymore. It's too wet in here. So Brett just got back from Home Depot again. The wood we got didn't work. So when he was gone I cooked the last of our potatoes & cleaned. But, all he could get was a saw & some screws. So now I think- we think- if we cut 'em smaller & put 'em up, it'll work.

Sat. 11-9-02

Okay well, it's Saturday morning & I still haven't written about Thursday night. So anyway, I think we decided to go to bed after I had gone up to the bathroom after Brett, my heart pounding so fast. So we climb into bed, & Seth climbs into a quarter berth & I feel like we're climbing into coffins. The first thing I really remember is when the light went out. I started to feel really strange. "Brett?" I ask, & he just hugs me in the dark. Then I feel like he maybe feels like I do & he can kinda' just read my mind. So he's hugging me & I feel like we've left our bodies & I'm scared 'cause I think we're both dying maybe, & I don't want us to. I think about how sad our families would be. I tell him to turn on the light. Please! Then I keep asking him how he feels & he says fine. & I keep saying, "are u lying to me?" "Cause I'm hopin' he's feelin' the same way, & I don't want him to just say he feels okay, to make me feel better. 'Cause it wasn't. I wanted to hear that he felt the same way. Then I told him that I saw death & I was scared & to please pray for me. "Are you praying for me? Please pray for me Brett." Then for a second I say, "Thank you! I'm fine now, I'll be OK, I'll be OK." & I hug him. Then I feel it again, so I say, " Don't stop praying though." Oh yeah- I also said I almost forgot- or I was gonna' forget how to breathe 'cause the part of me that was breathing & the other part of me (my soul) was completely disconnected. Anyway, eventually we get up to go to the bathrooms, although I really didn't want to. - This was after Brett had the light on & was holding my face & hugging me 'cause I was either completely stiff or shaking very badly. So we go to the bathrooms & I pee (I'm in the men's w/him- I don't want him to leave me) Then we go to leave, but I wanna' puke, so he makes me go back into the bathroom & I get real hot once I reach the toilet. "I'm hot! I'm hot! Take it off! Take it off!" & I don't puke, but I remember almost passing out. Brett holding on to me by the toilet & my head & eyes rolling. But I don't pass out & before we leave the bathroom again, Brett tells me where we are & what we're doing & says there's something wrong w/me & he might have to call someone & to please just try to deal. So we go back to the boat & lay down again. & I don't remember much else except that I told Brett to play the recorder. "Grab the tape recorder. You have to rewind it though." & he played it. The **** we had recorded that night, before I realized how high I was. I remember that when it was over, I said it made me feel better. & it did. Although, I still asked Brett if it'd be OK for me to pass out, 'cause I thought I might die if I did. But I started to anyway, & I remember every once in a while, Brett shakin' me a little & sayin' my name, to make sure I kept breathing. So yesterday we were complete mush brains. We ended up takin' our clothes to the laundromat to dry. We walked in our pajamas & barefoot through the rain & cold. Some guy near the laundromat saw me & gave me his bagel (after I told him, "no, it's OK. Really, I don't need it"). After that we just bought a little food & got our bikes & came to the boat. Today we work on getting a P.O. box!

Break from the journals again...

Some of you know we had just lived in Seattle shortly. A lot longer than our first stay, but still short-
Anyway, I wanted to share about my last day there.
I had mentioned to Brett I wanted to get pics of all the places we slept during out bike adventure. I got some, but not all of the places. Well, the day before I had to leave Seattle my second time, we ended up going to the U-District to see if we could find the building we had slept in our second night in Seattle, back in 2002.
We found it! We both commented on how crazy life is & how we NEVER would have imagined we'd be there again...this time with our 4 yr old daughter!
We parked our car (yes, we unfortunately own one of those now...) & checked to see if we could just waltz in, the way we had that memorable night in the past.
In we went! Up the stairs, 3 floors. It wasn't night this time 'round, so it felt a bit different, but we found the room! Room 301, in Gowen Hall. Of course, it had to be filled with students (something I feared would happen to us in the morning, when we slept there!), so we couldn't go in & look out the windows down into the pretty courtyard. & I didn't have my camera with me, because we didn't plan on doing this...
After that, we drove the car down the street to the place we got coffee that next morning.
(I had told Brett, "OK, now pretend we're on our bikes! Here we go..." I said, pretending I was holding handlebars. Next thing we knew, Brett was driving down the sidewalk! I guess I really got his imagination goin'!) -That was a good laugh...
So when we found the place, Brett ran in to see if he could get a coffee, so we could really relive our memory, & I sat outside with our daughter. That morning, I had called my gram from the pay phone that was right outside the building (I can't remember the name of it- I'll have to ask Brett). I remember it being a beautiful fall day. Red & brown leaves were blowing on the ground all around me. This time around, it was December, so now no leaves & also no pay phone. Of course. Everyone has cell phones now. Myself included. So I called her from my phone as Brett came out with a coffee! Yay!
I don't think anyone can really know how enjoyable this all was. That was an amazing little chunk of my life & I'll never forget it. Nor did I ever think I'd be back again.
Our daughter probably wondered why we were so amused at all this. :)
If you have the chance to do something wonderful, something everyone else is telling you will not work, is impossible, or dangerous, or this...or that... Trust God, listen to the Holy Spirit's leading, & go..........
Blessings!!!!

Thurs. 11-7-02, Fri. 11-8-02

Well, we've been gone 2 months now, & I feel like I've lived an extra 2 years in that time.

(I'm going to skip some of the entry here...)

Ah, then I went to try & get a P.O. box, & I ran into Seth, the guy we met near the end of our stay in Arcata. We had let him eat some oats w/us & had told him about the tree. Anyway, we freaked. It was so crazy to just run into him like that. I told him where we were (which wasn't much help) & then left. & also, on the way back to the park I ran into Augustino. But anyway, I got back & told Brett & he left to find Seth. & what ended up happening was craziness. Brett found him in the library & came back w/him & Seth had a big bag of clippings that he wanted to cook with. A lot of them were going bad, but we used 'em anyway. The guys went to buy some **** at the grocery store & I called my dad. He's REAL happy for us & so proud of me! He told me I'm a cool daughter to have & that to just enjoy myself, I'm young. & he told me that he & Roxy might be goin' to San Diego in Jan. & they could stop here & visit! So after the guys returned, we cooked. We made butter w/ the clippings & ate it w/ pad Thai noodles & sauce & then we made rice crispy treats. We made so much & ate SO much, we all got real ****** up. I was alright for a while, I sat outside of the boat w/Brett & played music on the guitar & viola w/him - & then once I got up to follow him into the bathrooms, I realized how high I really was, & from then on, it got worse. I'm gonna' write about it later, but right now I just wanna' chill. Brett & I are back at the slip w/the help of Aug. again. Anyway, this mornin' we biked to eat in the rain & on the way back, it was rainin' even harder. So now we're waitin' for our **** to somehow dry out at least a little bit. Seth left when we did. He was goin' to the library to see if he couldn't get himself a greyhound ticket to Louisiana I think. I gave him 10 bucks for a bracelet & necklace I picked out for myself from his box of jewelry he makes. So that'll help him. But um, I'll write about last night later.