We're on our way to eat & Brett's goin' to the bathroom. The other day at Bread & Roses I had my viola & this man tried to tune it for me, but didn't have much luck 'cause the tunin' knobs are real tough to turn. So today I'm bringin' it again 'cause he's got some lubricant for them. But I hope he doesn't want to tune it again, 'cause I didn't like it last time, so I've taken it upon myself to purposely screw up the tuning. Just how I like it. But I know he won't ******' understand that. Anyway- it's gonna' be another perfectly warm, sunny day here in Cali. I wonder if- well, I probably will- get sick of the wonderful weather.
Everyone's settin' up their **** on the boardwalk at Venice Beach. Gettin' ready for another day of louring tourists. & all the pigeons are anxiously waiting for their meal of scraps. & I'm waiting for Brett to use the bathroom again. I have no idea what we're gonna' do today. Then again, I guess I never know. Oh yeah- we've gotta' go grocery shoppin'.
Layin' on the beach now. Brett's playin' my viola. It's weird lookin' here. It's completely clear- no clouds- but it's foggy or somethin'. Can barley see the mountains- & for some reason the waves sound a little muted. The water looks exactly like sparkling glass or crystal, moving until it breaks & looks soft. It seems so quiet here & the waves that throw themselves over the rocks, look like they do it in slow motion. I could easily fall asleep right now. Some birds just flew over me & all I heard were their wings.
I wanna' live as a writer. I mean, that's all I want to do, besides painting & writing music as well. But I mean, I just wish I could live off writing. & maybe that sounds like selling out. I dunno'. But I don't see it as that. All I want is to be able to do what I love & to be able to live w/out having to do something else as well, that I don't ******* enjoy. & I wanna' keep moving. I wanna' go to the east coast next. & soon. I want to be able to afford a trip out of this country by writing too. & I can't wait until I'm at a point where I can finally get a Rottweiler (Inka!) - I mean, that's not incredibly important or anything, but it's something I look forward to. & I think I've finally decided that I don't want any children of my own. I need to adopt. I need to adopt because not enough people do, & there's so many kids w/out someone to be their company, friend & to have a place where they can grow healthily & learn about God, who loves them. I'd much rather raise a kid who needs, instead of bringing yet another one into this ****** world just like everyone else, & not even thinking about all the individuals who were givin' up because they were born into some third world country & their single mothers are too poor to raise them, or they were raped & will be stoned to death if they don't get a (usually) fatal abortion, or give them up. Not that I'd want to raise a ******' poopy kid right now, but maybe in like 5 years, I can look into adopting from another country. Or maybe a Chinese girl- considering they'd rather just to keep the boys. I'm gonna' lay down for a while.
Some guy comes over & starts talkin' to Brett as I lay down. I knew he was no good, so I don't say a word. I want nothin' to do w/him. I just lay there & listen to him & Brett talk. Suddenly he asks Brett if he's ever had his **** sucked by a man. Then I know for a fact he's just a stupid demon & Brett says "No, & I'm not interested." The guys like, "Well, it could be fun." & Brett's like, "Yeah, I wouldn't doubt it for some people...blah, blah, blah..." So the man's quiet for a minute & I start prayin' over & over & over again, "Lord take this man away from us... I know he's the devil, take him away. Lord I pray he gets up & leaves." Then he says, "Well, if you ever wanted, I'd like to suck yr ****." Brett tells him, "Well, you can hit the road jack, right now... but it ain't for me to say." Then the guy was like, "Alright." & he left sayin', " "Blah, blah, blah, if you ever want to, blah, blah, blah." Stupid. But it's happened to Brett before & he handled it w/a calmness I sure the **** wouldn't have had.
I want people to know that if they're not living for God, their lives are pointless. I want **** to realize that God does exist & that she's blind to *****'* complete ******* evilness. & I'm pissed that I want a kid because it's in my ******* blood, deep in my woman-being. My instinct to want that. But I fight it & I don't want pregnancy. Ever. But of COURSE a part of me does. It sucks. & I wish I could deal w/the evil in people w/out using hate.
Brett just got done talkin' to a guy that reminded me of the guy at the beach. Once again- I didn't say a word, or turn around to look at him. I acted like I was into what I was reading. So they talk & he starts sounding so negative about everything & tries to discourage us. I knew this guy too, was bad news. So I pray for God to send him away & he leaves. The devil is obviously sending these people to give us a hard time. It's ******* annoying. I've gotta' pray tonight that God keeps evil far from us. (We were at the Marina Library, then the park-it's REAL foggy).
